I got a new phone.
It is smart.
I am not.
I feel like a ninety year old man with no teeth holding a rock and shouting "how does this thing work Barbara" at a dog.
A minute ago I tried to make it stop vibrating when I press stuff, because although it is kind of exciting to always feel like T Rex is chasing you, it is also a bit unnerving. However instead of the vibrations stopping, I removed all the little pictures from the screen.
Christina says the pictures are widgets. She also said "Mmms whap enabled wifey widgets aichty see" and other things that I don't really see are relevant to my situation right now. She asked me if I wanted the pictures back and I said no, but she looked unconvinced and put some of them back anyway and now there are little icons taunting me for my lack of technological prowess and for having giant spam fingers like an orang-u-tan or something less co-ordinated, like maybe if I just had five fat slugs instead of digits or something.
I tried to text to someone because I needed biscuits and even though my phone is apparently super-smart it won't bring me snack products or hot beverages.
I managed to type "Pleaded bring Mr Moore bizcoots" and now the phone is in the kitchen and I am in here because in here it can't make me feel stupid and hungry.